Dear Nana

Disclaimer- This blog/letter was written a day before my beautiful nana passed. I wrote this at a time where I was frustrated, upset and yearning for her. Writing my nana a letter was therapy for me and also allowed me to express my heart and my emotions freely. I publish this not to draw attention or to gain sympathy votes but because I want to be REAL with my readers.  It's not easy letting the world in and showing such a raw side of myself but I share this in hopes that it may help someone out there. Again I thank you all for your love and support. I dedicate this blog post to my Ma'a Aiga who continue to be my strength and my light.

Nana,

As I stand here amongst all our family taking in this moment I can’t help but feel numb. We all knew this day would come but we never imagined it to be this soon. Looking at you on your hospice bed laying still as a rock isn’t an easy pill to swallow. How did we get here? Why is God taking you away from us all? There’s still so much we want you to see and there’s so many more moments we want to make with you. You are one of the strongest ladies I know and you’ve taught us how to be strong. But how do we stay strong when the lady who holds our family together is hurting.

I close my eyes because I don’t want to come to the realisation that our days are numbered. The energy in the room screams of desperation to hold onto you Nana. I don’t like crying but without noticing I feel tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. Nana you were always the most positive person every time our family hit rock bottom. You taught us as a family to always put God first. From day one starting with you and Papa you established a foundation built on God. You practiced Christ like love and served anyone who needed your help. You were a wife, a mother and most importantly our NANA. You raised a family and you put so much love and life into all your kids. Looking around this room full of people I see a strong bonded family and I see a grateful family.

As much as my heart yearns for you I know you wouldn’t want any of us to be sad. So instead I want to thank you for all the cherished memories that you’ve not only had with me but with anyone who had the pleasure of being in your presence. I’m going to miss seeing you around the house and I’m especially going to miss your smile at all our family gatherings. I still remember when I was 20 years old and you walked right in when I was showering lecturing me about how my room wasn’t clean. You stood there for a good 15 minutes meanwhile I was so mortified and thinking WHY ME lol. I chuckle now because all I wanted was for you to give me space. However right now at this exact moment space is the last thing I want. What I’d give for one more moment where I’d walk in my room and find you sitting on my bed.

I’m so grateful that God gave me such a loving and caring nana. You raised an empire that I call my family. We all love you so much and hold special memories with you. Living life without you almost seems un-imaginable and impossible. But when I look around the room at our aiga that you’ve nurtured so well I know we’ll be okay. When the day comes for you to leave us all I hope heaven throws one hell of a party because you deserve it momma.

May you be free from pain and may your legacy live on through our Ma’a aiga. My wish is to be be half the incredible lady you are.

I love you so much Nana and from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU.

I alofa ia te oe tina